WHAT'S YOUR SIGN ?

Since we're all looking for direction, I figure I would offer this up. If you are foolish you can follow these guidelines; you might consider sacrificing some small animal and reading the entrails, although you might piss off PETA. Gee, that'd be tough. I like animals. Medium rare mostly.

HOROSCOPE

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. You think Moby Dick is a social disease and the Happy Hooker is a contented angler.

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You have a one-track mind with very little traffic.

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 22

You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples’ problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That’s why you will never make anything of your self. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are known thieves.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male you more than likely are queer. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. Most Libras die of an STD.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios have violent deaths.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as they tend to take root and become trees.